I had my daughter at 37. Prior to that I was far too busy enjoying everything life offered. I wanted to travel everywhere (I managed to travel every year for long stints from 21-37), I wanted to regenerate land (I did by buying an acreage and planting 450 local provenance trees), I wanted to have life-changing jobs! (I had two significant jobs before 37 in very challenging sectors of special education and paediatric health education), I wanted to have an inner city pad where I could cook to host mega parties (I did, catering for dozens on the roof top of my Potts Point apartment talked about years afterwards) and so on and so on. I had so many dreams to fulfill before the “entrapment” of having a child. And I achieved them & more.
Then I fell pregnant, unplanned at 37. I announced ‘I’m keeping this one’ and I went forth. ‘Blink’ and she’s left home, pursuing her own dreams at 20 and I’m setting out again with a batch of new dreams begun and planned.
But my child was also a dream that was given to me by life itself. I didn’t stop my dreams to raise her. She joined my life of dreams and experiences.
If you decide to breed, I highly recommend just one child. One is so beautiful. Or more! Your choice. But I barrack for one.
Yes it’s hard but if I could just help people who are pondering this decision to understand that the hard AND the infinite depth of love & the beautiful go hand in hand. They weave together all the time.
(Dr Phil got young people to care for a crying pooping doll 24/7 to experience parenting and they found it horrific. I found the experiment horrific because it presented all the hard and none of the wonderful. A terrible concept.)
Be alert to post natal depression, know that there is isolation at times like you’ve never felt before but there’s also bonding and attachment to another person unlike any other too. It is never an either/or situation.
You learn what a bond you would die for is, you gain a deeper understanding of your parents and ancestors, you learn to speak up about matters with a solidity that you danced around before, the daily grind can be hard but nothing brings your life into such sharp purposeful focus. The few other mum friends you truly click with over music kinder, kiddies ballet, unbearable recorder lessons, at the P&C meetings... whatever... these women you keep for life. Your interest in THEIR children’s development and journey is so meaningful. You become a sudden aunt to so many of your child’s friends (who have no idea of this of course). Knowing this small community brings you understanding of your own relationship with your child/ren. You can pick up so suddenly with parents of these children years later and have conversations of such humanity that the depth within you deepens further.
You look back on your pre-parent days of being a writer, a midnight dancer, a cook, a party/event host, a manager, an educator, a tango dancer and you smile, so glad you did all that and knowing you didn’t give all that up, you just turned a corner and went in a new astounding direction. And you turn to your future and smile again, knowing a whole other set of adventures awaits. Having a child means you step towards new experiences of beauty, love and wonderment. It’s not about loss and replacement but about a new book.
It feels like women who have children do go through hard years of the ‘Groundhog Day’ as we used to call it, but women who don’t have children can also have some hard years too (of grief and/or turmoil of the pressure of deciding). We all get through it in one way or another and life in your 50s can bring a new set of fabulousness.
I could write so much more to advocate for you to have a child (do it! Ha ha ha) but the main thrust of your writing was ‘can I give this up?’ so that’s what I wanted to address.
And yes please speak to your partner ASAP either way. Especially if you think he’s swell. If he was a dipshit and we were here just discussing you having a child on your own then forget about him but you like him so chat with him. Use comments here as a starter for talking. If he refuses to talk well that a bit dipshitty 😂😂
Wow that's so thoughtful, thanks Kazz. I actually love what you say about the familial, community aspect of your friends' kids. I'm going home later this year to meet my childhood friend's little girl and another friend back in the states has just had a daughter as well. Now I really feel the need to meet them both ASAP. Before covid I met my friend's son Oscar in Nevada, and I've been watching him grow up on Instagram. I wish I could hang out with him and his mama more.
Some of my friends had kids when I was younger, in my 20s, and I was definitely not pondering the question. I feel like I let some of those relationships go, not intentionally, but it just happened. I hope not to do that with friends now, regardless of what I decide. I like that you waited until 37 and everything was fine, and amazing ha! That gives me at least another year to mull it over. ;) And I am discussing the comments with Josh, lol!
"But my child was also a dream that was given to me by life itself." How interesting. Thanks again for always offering me so much to think about, Kazz. <3 <3 <3
I think becoming a parent is an amazing experience. I had a professor make this distinction to me as a young 20 something. It made a huge impact on me personally. He said, "you cannot have a baby. It is not a thing. Or an object. You are changing your whole life and making a new one. Own it." Small language difference, but illustrates the gravity beautifully. Thanks for sharing with all of us! I think a lot of us wait so long now, but why? Your words really speak well to our collective anxieties as a species. No small feat!
Thank you so much for that, Sean! I don't think anyone has ever told me they regretted bringing new life into the world, so that's probably a plus for team baby. Glad you love it, and I also love what your professor said, how poetic. <3
So funny how little word flips can change our whole perspective isn't it? Let us know what you decide! This is an exciting time to be alive. It's amazing to think what our children will accomplish.
If it means anything, I think you would be a great Mum! You would have a cool kid who goes along with your fun life...your life would look different for a bit, but haven't we all just adjusted to a new way of life in the last few years?
Reading this article, I think it all ultimately comes down to how to know you've made the right choice. Which is hard. It seems like becoming a parent is something so unfathomable to a non-parent, it's hard for us to know what it will be like and how little we may or may not care that its altered our life. I think you're on to something with trying as much as possible to be in Aunty-like situations. You gotta be around kids you love who mean so much to you to feel like your connection with them is so strong it might be a fraction of what parenthood is like.
Good luck with the decision! It's a big one, and one I've struggled with. I'm from a family where childless adults are common, and by not making a plan or choice to have children I've been decided that I won't have them because what you say is true - no decision ends up being a decision not to. I'm going to try and be the cool aunty that's like a second mum
Haha thanks Emma, I think you'd be a great mom too! I worry that I would be a lot less carefree if I became a mom... I imagine so many different scenarios. I imagine reading these comments as a mother five years from now and rolling my eyes at my naivete, ha!
Yes, I must speak to my brother about this Aunt scenario, but also I have so many friends who are having kids; there's definitely opportunities, and also practice to see if I like it. And as Ellen points out, you don't always know if you can anyway, the universe does get to decide sometimes. I think what's best is to try to accept that either decision doesn't really ultimately matter that much beyond myself. Either way, it'll be okay. Hope for the best, but what will be will be.
I hear you! Not the expat part (that is a whole other issue that I don't have to worry about) but I had very consciously decided not to have children. My partner expressed his interest in having a child with me, but it was up to me. We worked through a lot of my reasons and I found the fear of regret the straw that broke the camels back. Getting pregnant wasn't easy, I thought as soon I as we started trying I would fall. Pregnancy and birth and post partum isn't just white cotton dresses and earthy tones and blissful expressions. Anyway, mum decided (after years of wanting me to have babies) that AFTER I had the baby was the perfect time to tell me she regretted having kids.
So there is no wrong or right decision. It is just your decision. And the universe has some say in it too. Just own it.
Hey Ellen, wow so interesting and thank you for sharing! I don't feel strongly a desire to have children, but oddly the regret of not doing does worry me. And also, I need to remember that the universe does have a say, you're right. I'd love to hear from more moms who do truly regret their decision, but also any one who didn't and regrets it as well.
In general it's harder to hear from anyone who regrets their decision, as that's just something people don't like to admit. Psychologically speaking we're likely to double down on irreversible decisions we've made. Also I think your baby is the cutest thing ever, and I'm so glad you had her! <3 <3
Nawww, she IS the cutest thing ever! I think regret from having children would come later in life mostly (if at all) when the kids have flown the coup and you are left with yourself, and having to rediscover who you really are. I am *planning* on not losing myself to child in the first place. Maybe.
I never felt drawn to have a kid. It was always a logical decision for me. No regrets yet!
If you ever want to feel the wonders of growing life and the thrills of a pregnancy photoshoot without the shackles of motherhood, I'll gladly adopt any child you birth. What a way to see how your genes turn out with the option to be play the rad aunt role in their life.
lol thank you for the offer but I think we both know if I commit to the belly I commit to the baby! But good to know I have you as a backup. ;) I already know you're an amazing dad.
I had my daughter at 37. Prior to that I was far too busy enjoying everything life offered. I wanted to travel everywhere (I managed to travel every year for long stints from 21-37), I wanted to regenerate land (I did by buying an acreage and planting 450 local provenance trees), I wanted to have life-changing jobs! (I had two significant jobs before 37 in very challenging sectors of special education and paediatric health education), I wanted to have an inner city pad where I could cook to host mega parties (I did, catering for dozens on the roof top of my Potts Point apartment talked about years afterwards) and so on and so on. I had so many dreams to fulfill before the “entrapment” of having a child. And I achieved them & more.
Then I fell pregnant, unplanned at 37. I announced ‘I’m keeping this one’ and I went forth. ‘Blink’ and she’s left home, pursuing her own dreams at 20 and I’m setting out again with a batch of new dreams begun and planned.
But my child was also a dream that was given to me by life itself. I didn’t stop my dreams to raise her. She joined my life of dreams and experiences.
If you decide to breed, I highly recommend just one child. One is so beautiful. Or more! Your choice. But I barrack for one.
Yes it’s hard but if I could just help people who are pondering this decision to understand that the hard AND the infinite depth of love & the beautiful go hand in hand. They weave together all the time.
(Dr Phil got young people to care for a crying pooping doll 24/7 to experience parenting and they found it horrific. I found the experiment horrific because it presented all the hard and none of the wonderful. A terrible concept.)
Be alert to post natal depression, know that there is isolation at times like you’ve never felt before but there’s also bonding and attachment to another person unlike any other too. It is never an either/or situation.
You learn what a bond you would die for is, you gain a deeper understanding of your parents and ancestors, you learn to speak up about matters with a solidity that you danced around before, the daily grind can be hard but nothing brings your life into such sharp purposeful focus. The few other mum friends you truly click with over music kinder, kiddies ballet, unbearable recorder lessons, at the P&C meetings... whatever... these women you keep for life. Your interest in THEIR children’s development and journey is so meaningful. You become a sudden aunt to so many of your child’s friends (who have no idea of this of course). Knowing this small community brings you understanding of your own relationship with your child/ren. You can pick up so suddenly with parents of these children years later and have conversations of such humanity that the depth within you deepens further.
You look back on your pre-parent days of being a writer, a midnight dancer, a cook, a party/event host, a manager, an educator, a tango dancer and you smile, so glad you did all that and knowing you didn’t give all that up, you just turned a corner and went in a new astounding direction. And you turn to your future and smile again, knowing a whole other set of adventures awaits. Having a child means you step towards new experiences of beauty, love and wonderment. It’s not about loss and replacement but about a new book.
It feels like women who have children do go through hard years of the ‘Groundhog Day’ as we used to call it, but women who don’t have children can also have some hard years too (of grief and/or turmoil of the pressure of deciding). We all get through it in one way or another and life in your 50s can bring a new set of fabulousness.
I could write so much more to advocate for you to have a child (do it! Ha ha ha) but the main thrust of your writing was ‘can I give this up?’ so that’s what I wanted to address.
And yes please speak to your partner ASAP either way. Especially if you think he’s swell. If he was a dipshit and we were here just discussing you having a child on your own then forget about him but you like him so chat with him. Use comments here as a starter for talking. If he refuses to talk well that a bit dipshitty 😂😂
Wow that's so thoughtful, thanks Kazz. I actually love what you say about the familial, community aspect of your friends' kids. I'm going home later this year to meet my childhood friend's little girl and another friend back in the states has just had a daughter as well. Now I really feel the need to meet them both ASAP. Before covid I met my friend's son Oscar in Nevada, and I've been watching him grow up on Instagram. I wish I could hang out with him and his mama more.
Some of my friends had kids when I was younger, in my 20s, and I was definitely not pondering the question. I feel like I let some of those relationships go, not intentionally, but it just happened. I hope not to do that with friends now, regardless of what I decide. I like that you waited until 37 and everything was fine, and amazing ha! That gives me at least another year to mull it over. ;) And I am discussing the comments with Josh, lol!
"But my child was also a dream that was given to me by life itself." How interesting. Thanks again for always offering me so much to think about, Kazz. <3 <3 <3
I think becoming a parent is an amazing experience. I had a professor make this distinction to me as a young 20 something. It made a huge impact on me personally. He said, "you cannot have a baby. It is not a thing. Or an object. You are changing your whole life and making a new one. Own it." Small language difference, but illustrates the gravity beautifully. Thanks for sharing with all of us! I think a lot of us wait so long now, but why? Your words really speak well to our collective anxieties as a species. No small feat!
Thank you so much for that, Sean! I don't think anyone has ever told me they regretted bringing new life into the world, so that's probably a plus for team baby. Glad you love it, and I also love what your professor said, how poetic. <3
So funny how little word flips can change our whole perspective isn't it? Let us know what you decide! This is an exciting time to be alive. It's amazing to think what our children will accomplish.
If it means anything, I think you would be a great Mum! You would have a cool kid who goes along with your fun life...your life would look different for a bit, but haven't we all just adjusted to a new way of life in the last few years?
Reading this article, I think it all ultimately comes down to how to know you've made the right choice. Which is hard. It seems like becoming a parent is something so unfathomable to a non-parent, it's hard for us to know what it will be like and how little we may or may not care that its altered our life. I think you're on to something with trying as much as possible to be in Aunty-like situations. You gotta be around kids you love who mean so much to you to feel like your connection with them is so strong it might be a fraction of what parenthood is like.
Good luck with the decision! It's a big one, and one I've struggled with. I'm from a family where childless adults are common, and by not making a plan or choice to have children I've been decided that I won't have them because what you say is true - no decision ends up being a decision not to. I'm going to try and be the cool aunty that's like a second mum
Haha thanks Emma, I think you'd be a great mom too! I worry that I would be a lot less carefree if I became a mom... I imagine so many different scenarios. I imagine reading these comments as a mother five years from now and rolling my eyes at my naivete, ha!
Yes, I must speak to my brother about this Aunt scenario, but also I have so many friends who are having kids; there's definitely opportunities, and also practice to see if I like it. And as Ellen points out, you don't always know if you can anyway, the universe does get to decide sometimes. I think what's best is to try to accept that either decision doesn't really ultimately matter that much beyond myself. Either way, it'll be okay. Hope for the best, but what will be will be.
I hear you! Not the expat part (that is a whole other issue that I don't have to worry about) but I had very consciously decided not to have children. My partner expressed his interest in having a child with me, but it was up to me. We worked through a lot of my reasons and I found the fear of regret the straw that broke the camels back. Getting pregnant wasn't easy, I thought as soon I as we started trying I would fall. Pregnancy and birth and post partum isn't just white cotton dresses and earthy tones and blissful expressions. Anyway, mum decided (after years of wanting me to have babies) that AFTER I had the baby was the perfect time to tell me she regretted having kids.
So there is no wrong or right decision. It is just your decision. And the universe has some say in it too. Just own it.
Hey Ellen, wow so interesting and thank you for sharing! I don't feel strongly a desire to have children, but oddly the regret of not doing does worry me. And also, I need to remember that the universe does have a say, you're right. I'd love to hear from more moms who do truly regret their decision, but also any one who didn't and regrets it as well.
In general it's harder to hear from anyone who regrets their decision, as that's just something people don't like to admit. Psychologically speaking we're likely to double down on irreversible decisions we've made. Also I think your baby is the cutest thing ever, and I'm so glad you had her! <3 <3
Nawww, she IS the cutest thing ever! I think regret from having children would come later in life mostly (if at all) when the kids have flown the coup and you are left with yourself, and having to rediscover who you really are. I am *planning* on not losing myself to child in the first place. Maybe.
I never felt drawn to have a kid. It was always a logical decision for me. No regrets yet!
OMG, don’t mothers just come out with THE most choice phrases straight after you have a baby. Aaaaaaaaahhhh!
If you ever want to feel the wonders of growing life and the thrills of a pregnancy photoshoot without the shackles of motherhood, I'll gladly adopt any child you birth. What a way to see how your genes turn out with the option to be play the rad aunt role in their life.
lol thank you for the offer but I think we both know if I commit to the belly I commit to the baby! But good to know I have you as a backup. ;) I already know you're an amazing dad.