Nursery Rhymes from the Dark Side

complete with some very amateur drawings

A short series of nursery rhymes from the dark side. Be aware only the first poem actually references nursery rhymes at all. The rest are just rhyming poems with dark themes, but “nursery rhymes from the dark side” sounded more clever. Also I know these drawings are hilariously bad. Don’t worry; I’m not quitting my day job.

Content warning: these poems are absurd, strange and nasty.

Ashes, Ashes, you know the rest  

Do you know the muffin man? 
He had the whole world, in his hands

But my fair lady blocked the bridge
She and mother goose, they lost their shit
They riddled the diddle and
Docked the clock
They even shot
tiny teapots!
Little miss Muffet flew off the handle
gave up her fear, became a vandal
The old woman in the shoe
dropped her kids off at the zoo,   
Yet all the kings horses and all the kings men
couldn't put the planet back together again  

So the twinklin’ stars
cried out from far
"Morning bells are ringing
Morning bells are ringing
But the birds don't sing
The birds don't sing"

My sympathies 
Pity is rain in the desert
Relief from being strong
Folks get so worried when I tell them
Something has gone wrong

I dazzled crowds and critics 
They were jealous of my power 
I had a nervous breakdown
They sent me pity flowers 

When things are going right
No one seems to care, 
But how I love that pity
Fresh, commiserating air 

I wanted to be mighty
But y'all didn't like my drive
So here I stay at pity party
Where we're so thankful I'm alive 

Silent shoulders and cold treatment

You have no clue how much she stews.
She keeps records on human behavior
like she checks the scales and bites her nails.
Her rumination competes only with her masturbation.
She fakes joy like aspartame,
but her bitterness is the real thing,
more palatable than arsenic cake
stuffed in your fat face.
She hates staying in the same place.
She imagines your therapist telling you
that you're a good person, getting better 
(as all therapists are paid to do).

Moving targets

Find a body to place the blame
Give a host to your pain
Anger is an empty boat
But also, darling,
Hope floats