Judging judgement
On gossip, gospel, poppies, feathers and happy families
A million years ago I was riding with my then-boss in a car talking about one of my colleagues. My boss was mad at her. “She comes from an absolutely picture perfect family,” he said to me. “Don’t you just hate that?”
I nodded in pseudo-angry agreement, even though I had no idea what he was talking about. He was my boss and I was much younger then than I am now. It seemed wise to agree.
It was from this encounter and a few others: friends directly pointing out to me that I come from a family where I’ve been very loved and taken care of, I’ve realized that people will dislike you or at least judge you for this. I’ve always known rich, pretty, well-liked and thin people get judged, but it wasn’t until my late 20s that I began to understand people will judge you because you have good relationships with your relatives. I shouldn’t be surprised though. People judge for absolutely everything.
I write this while feeling a bit blue after saying goodbye to my parents and brother over a week ago. When I went to post some of my favorite photos from their visit, I hear my ex-boss’s words in my head. I want to share the memories, I loved the time we spent together, but will people see this and resent me? I posted them anyway.
Every time you say an opinion, write a Substack or post an image you are opening yourself up to judgement.
I try to catch myself when I judge, even though I know it’s inevitable. Yet for years I’ve been quietly judging people who judge others for things they can’t help. (Here is my big exposé!) I hear ageist, sexist, racist judgements in my circles all the time. Somewhere along the line the left decided it was okay to judge people by their genetics, but only if they are white, old and male of course. I hear judgmental statements towards straight people too, but the discussion of heterosexuality as a choice is a Substack for a different day.
I don’t want to judge people for judging others, even when it’s particularly bad judgement. I pride myself for listening without judgement!
But surely judgement serves a purpose. A man on the train was overly forward with me Friday morning, and I quickly mentioned my partner when he asked for my number. I judged that this man was too pushy. He was taking advantage of my friendly nature and I disliked his presumptions. I passed judgement by not giving him my number.
Is every decision a judgement call?
A few weeks ago I answered what turned out to be a sales call and instantly hung up once I realized what it was. Is it okay to judge someone for being pushy? Is it okay to judge someone for being selfish with my time? I mute some people on social media for a host of reasons. There go I, being judgey again.
Each culture judges differently. On Saturday I was talking to a friend from the UK. She talked about Australia’s tall poppy syndrome a phrase in which I’ve become increasingly familiar. Tall poppy syndrome is basically, don’t boast about anything, what do you think you’re better than everyone? A social exhibitionist like myself, a token, loud-mouthed American both in real life and online might very well be harshly judged. If I’m being judged by my happy family posts, then I’m most certainly being judged by posting my quick exotic holiday photos and yoga videos in my very yoga pants. I worry about being judge-y but are my Australian mates watching me with judicious amusement and disdain? Or maybe I get a pass because I’m American, ha!
”How funny, she thinks she has something to say,” I imagine them thinking.
But then I remember a universal truth: No one ever thinks about you as much as you think about yourself.
I asked my partner when it was okay to judge someone.
“Well if someone’s annoying, you don’t invite them to dinner.”
This is true. But the hardest people to love need love the most. On the train home last Friday night a friend and I spoke about the challenges of being actively involved in community and loving others unconditionally.
“It’s never the cool people that get together to volunteer. It’s always the weird ones nobody wants to hang out with,” he said. (I’m paraphrasing.)
That’s not always true of course, but sometimes I opt not to go to the protest or the fundraiser or the art show because a few characters come out of whom I’d rather not engage with. It’s not specifically because they are there, it’s just I can think of other ways to spend my time. A judgement call.
But then again, it is my instinct to invite the biggest weirdos to my party if nothing else to keep things interesting! But they’ve got to be weird in the right way, because, I am a discerning diva.
Another thing, despite my dislike of judgement as an action, sometimes I really love judgey people, people who speak their mind and judge others unfairly. The judgiest people can be the most entertaining, so they’re forgiven. I dislike the judgement, but I love the show. I appreciate their vulnerability, showing me their authentic, uncharitable, nitpicky self. They make me feel more human.
“Judge and be judged” I was taught in Sunday school. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone, etc. Judging is hardly throwing stones, but by passing verbal judgement, you are putting critical thoughts into the aura. Really most of us aren’t judging judgement, we are just judging those who articulate their judgement.
Judgement is a bit like gossip (which I actually LOVE).
But I remember the Catholic parable of the woman who was punished for spreading gossip. St. Philip Neri told her first to rip open a feather pillow on top of the church bell tower, and then to go down into the town and collect all the feathers. Of course she couldn’t. This is how gossip spreads, impossible to contain. (Also, like the tabloids and misinformation etc., it’s not always gospel.)
But what Jane says about Joe says more about Jane than it does about Joe or whatever the saying goes. But also you’re nobody unless you’re being talked about, and there’s no such thing as bad publicity.
Well readers, in closing, you could judge me in many ways for this Substack, but instead I hope you just appreciate my curious vulnerability combined with more random quotes and sayings than you could ever need. Better yet, judge me! Tell everyone I’m a tall-poppy-chasing, nice-family-having, yoga-pants-parading, show off. Forward someone my Substack in judgmental disgust. ;)
Alternatively, feel free to remind me, it’s not about me.
Yes. Making judgements is essential. Being judgemental is exercising prejudice. Enjoyed your article, Alex. :)
Very though provoking. I think one problem with judging is that we are often harder on others than we are ourselves. Or maybe it is when we judge others it is because we judge ourselves for the same thing?
The actual Bible quote is "Judge not, that you be not judged" but I guess "Judge and be judged" is pretty much the same thing.