Streams of self awareness, creeks of constructive criticism
Staying in line and looking for narrative arcs
I have this memory of walking into my college’s cafeteria one evening and I must have been starving. I high tailed it up to the food bar and grabbed a tray. The staff member behind the counter serving the meals froze, staring at me with surprise in his eyes. I stopped and looked around, confused, only to realize that in my desire to eat I had stepped in front of a very long line of other hungry people patiently waiting their turn. How had I not noticed?! I’m not the first person who has inadvertently cut in line, but that doesn’t make it any less humiliating. I snuck to the back of the line, tray between my legs. Maybe I went to the cereal bar instead, foregoing a hot meal entirely in my shame.
When someone cuts in line and no one speaks up then the oblivious person gets away with inadvertently being rude. (Can you be rude if it’s inadvertent?) Alternatively someone has to be the one to speak up and say “I’m sorry there’s a line.” Ironically the person who interjects can come across as the rude person, but somebody’s gotta do it!
I sometimes worry that my line cutting experience is a metaphor for my entire existence, that my parents did such a good job raising me to believe I was capable of anything that I’ve pranced through life obliviously cutting in lines and getting away with it. Am I incredibly self entitled? But then again, because I’m aware that I might be self entitled, does this actually make me less self entitled?
This weekend an acquaintance was describing what an annoying child he was and how his parents always made him go outside and play. It made me laugh because I could totally imagine him as an irritating kid. Interestingly, when he acknowledged his awareness about how people perceived him during his childhood, it made me relate to him better and like him more. When people are aware of their flaws, that makes their flaws more forgivable. Self awareness makes up for a lot of unflattering traits, but I’m not sure if I could explain why this is.
Here’s an interesting article on self awareness from HBR. It says that the higher the career ladder people climb, the less self aware they are because people around them tend to tell them what they want to hear.
This leads us to constructive criticism. When is criticism constructive? My Grandma used to say “unasked for advice is seldom taken.” I’ve never had anyone take my advice, unsolicited. But it’s also hard to genuinely seek constructive criticism. A friend once told me that he knew that if he ever gave me constructive criticism all it would do would rile me up. He knew that I would go from friend to friend seeking validating responses in order to confirm my pre-existing (delusional) beliefs about myself. And I am self aware enough to know that if someone ever upsets me, I do exactly this! He was right about my rejection of constructive criticism, but also I didn’t really want his opinion!
“Don’t take criticism from someone unless you would also take advice from them.”
I once wrote a short but interesting article about a talented creative man whose profession I’ll not disclose. I wanted to publish the article, but he didn’t like it. He said it lacked “narrative arc.” I’ll never think of this man and not hear “narrative arc” in my head. It hurt my feelings, as much I genuinely respect him and his extensive creative experience. And, as this Substack is perhaps demonstrating, sometimes I do struggle to find the summit of my story. I write this newsletter with awareness that despite constructive criticism, this specific piece is going to lack narrative arc just like the piece I wrote about him.
Maybe that’s just part of my rebellious, chaotic nature as a writer. I’m actually okay being aware of my occasional lack of awareness.
Thanks for joining, me, some Weekly Writes are better than others.
Here’s what I’m reading about this week:
This New Yorker article on philosophical psychology was right up my alley especially given the upcoming Common Ground events we’ve been organising. Our next one is the day before Anzac day and it’s called narratives of war.
I am ashamed to say that as a southerner of 36 years of age, I only learned who Walker Percy was today.
Today I also picked up the book The Rewilding by Donna M Cameron. I’m interviewing Donna about it on Friday at Betty Loves Books Bookshop!
Self awareness is hot! I feel when you can acknowledge your traits (and yes, your flaws) you break down an unspoken barrier. You’re more relatable and more accessible. Everyone has them, only cool ppl are aware of them 😎
I have been thinking about unsolicited advice a lot this week! What if we just didn't emotionally react to criticism or unsolicited advice at all and only took what was useful to us. It would be so much easier to handle feedback of any kind and learn from those that actually had something useful to say. Thanks for the insights <3